Boredom Is My New Best Friend

I am bored. In Malay, that would mean, "Saya bosan" and in Cantonese, "Ngo ho sien". Yup, i think you get the point.

Today, i came into the office and found out that the IT geeks have decided to block Twitter. Great. Now that i no longer can stalk random Twitter accounts, what the hell am i supposed to do to kill time and to take a break from writing articles? Thank heavens i can still do some online window-shopping. So i clicked into one of the blogshops i visit daily and was greeted with this:

"This website has been blocked. The reason that you have been block is 'Porn' category is not allowed in your policy."

Yeah, dresses, tops and leggings are totally porn-ish. When people see them, all they think about is ripping the clothes off and having sex. Fools. And it only gets worse from there.

They've blocked Tumblr because it's a 'Social Networking' site and i just found out that they've blocked AXN Asia's official website because it's in the 'streaming media' category (just because the site allows users to stream full episodes of TARA doesn't make it a streaming media site, you dimwits!). Mind you, my job involves writing about AXN Asia's programs!

One of my last hope for entertainment was to look for a certain guy on GTalk whom i layan when I have writer's block and have nothing to do. Surprise, surprise...GTalk's blocked too!

So, besides the awesome emails from friends, today has been an absolute bore. So much so that i went to check out a bunch of cook books and instead of photocopying, decided to type out all the recipes i'm keen on trying.

Whoever who suddenly decided to block these sites, i don't want to friend you.

I Am Me. You Are Not Me.

I really hate it when people think they know me better than myself. Excuse me, but are you me? Do we share the same brain with the same thoughts running through it? I'm guessing no. So zip it and stop acting like you know me so well.

And it irritates me even more when they think i'm angry when i'm actually not. Then, when i tell them i'm not angry, they get angry because they think i'm lying. Oh, so just because you think i'm angry then i'm supposed to be angry?

By the end of the conversation, they would end up being correct anyway because all their talk about me being angry would really make me angry.

Fuck.

It's Okay. It's Just A Minor Fall.

Today, you scared the shit out of me.

I don't blame you for whatever that happened because it wasn't your fault. The blame is all on the asshole who i believe will lead a disastrous life because to quote a friend, "Karma is very slow, but she is very good." However, i do wish that you learn how to tone things down. Sure, it sucks for anybody to experience such nightmare but is it the end of the world? No.

I'm not saying, "Don't call me when you're feeling shitty because you'll make me miserable too" and i do hope that you stop thinking so because that is not what i meant when i told you that your call worried me. I love you and i want you to be able to talk to me when you're down. I want you to know that my shoulder is always open for you to cry on. I want you to know that come rain or shine, i'm here for you. But i really hope that you stop turning a molehill into a mountain because this whole drama thing you have going on is not fun and can be very scary to everyone who loves you.

If only you could understand...

Lady Luck Went On A Holiday

If you cursed me yesterday, then good on ya because it worked...

I had a phone interview at Mid Valley at 5pm, which meant that i would be able to get home earlier than expected. Since i hardly get the opportunity to dine with my parents on weekdays, i thought i'd seize the free time and do so. I even gave up an opportunity to attend a makeup-brand's focus group and snag goodies!

So while on my way home, i called Mom, who was working late at the office. Nobody answered. Thirty calls later and still the same. Thinking that she might have gone home, i dialed home only to hear Dad telling me that Mom's still not back.

I arrived at the train station and tried reaching Mom again. Nothing. She was supposed to pick me up. I contacted Dad who then told me to catch a cab to Mom's office. He said, "Maybe something happened to her phone cord". I couldn't help but think, "Maybe she passed out and nobody knew. Maybe she locked herself in the toilet".

There i was at her office area. Almost all the offices were already closed for the day and the worst part, since all the offices looked the same closed, i had no idea which was mom's office! I saw one with a partially opened grill and started banging on the door. No one. Then i called Dad to ask which was Mom's office. Halfway through, my phone died. Great.

I tried standing by the road, looking up at the offices and shouting for Mom. No response. Tried looking for a public phone but of course, the darn area didn't have a public phone in sight! Ended up having to borrow a stranger's phone! I think i must have scared Dad a bit because he was like, "Wait there. I'll come". So poor Dad walked all the way from my place to Mom's office (which was not really all that near).

While waiting for Dad in that quiet area (it was getting dark too!), i saw a lady and asked her if she knew where ABC office was. Turned out, the woman could only speak Mandarin and i had no idea how to explain in that language. Then i started walking to the other end of the row and what do you know, i saw the door to my Mom's office. It was open. I just didn't notice it earlier. Plus, plastered on the door was the name of my Mom's office, in massive fonts too mind you. What the heck lah.

So i knocked really loudly on the door and there was Mom. Finally. Turned out, the phone cord somehow got loose, which explained why Mom didn't pick up my calls - the phone didn't even ring! Then after a while, Dad finally reached. Poor Dad. I made him walk all the way for nothing.

And the worst part of the day was, it was really nobody's mistake. The whole drama started because the stupid phone cord got loose, so i didn't have an outlet to unleash my irritation on. Ergh.

So much for wanting to get home early and enjoy a stressless dinner. Should have just went with the darn makeup thing.

This May Be My Period Talking

I never like to keep my feelings a secret because to bottle up everything is not healthy. Which is why i am so darn annoyed at you. Of course, you are not the one to blame because it is me who cannot find the courage to speak my mind and to tell you how i really feel about you.

Sometimes i wonder, would things be different if i had a little more guts? But that is basically where i stop every single time. I leave myself to wonder 'what if'.

I guess i don't really want to tell you because deep down, i know the answer is not going to be something i want to hear. Plus, i am scared that things will deteriorate from then on and being able to see you but not say hi to you would really suck balls.

I know i think too much. I really try to not be that way but every time you are involved, i just become like that. You have that effect on me because you are someone i like. Someone i actually give a rat's ass about. Someone who is one of the few in the past years who can make me feel this way. Someone whose attitude attracted me way before the looks (which is very rare in my case).

Argh, if only i can just go up to you and say, "Ding dong, i like you lah. Now please give me a chance and like me back."

Well, What Do We Have Here?

This news has been circulating for a while now but I never knew of its existence until yesterday.

Hang Tuah, the legendary Malay warrior most of us learnt about at school is not a Malay. He is a Chinese. Google it.

Take that you selfish, egoistical fucks (read: those who think it is okay to disgrace other minority religions and at the same time, bring bad name to the rest of the people of their own race).

Apparently, textbooks from 1999 onwards do not include tales of this legendary man. Well, what better way to protect the false pride and lie that they have been living in than to banish any mention of it in books. Seriously, what is wrong with some people in this country?

When a Japanese friend told me that they do not learn about the torturous Japanese occupation our greatgrandparents had to go through (because any info of the incident is not included in their school books) I actually thought she was kidding. She honestly, does not know much about the pain inflicted by the then-notorious Japanese army.

Well, I guess I know now shit like these really do happen.

Happy Merdeka? Hardy har har.

Certainly Not A Good Sunday

I'm tired.

I hate it when i have to pretend that everything's okay. I hate to have to crack a joke, sing a song out loud, do silly things just to let people know i'm fine.

I'm not fine. I'm sick of trying to make it look like i'm alright. But if i don't do it, then things will be worse. So i'm stuck in this limbo that is slowly wearing me down.

This is the reason why i came back from Brissy. This is why i always envy those who get to migrate and live another life elsewhere. Because i simply cannot. I love Brissy but I have to be here to ensure that things are okay. And i just wish that when people ask me why i did not choose to stay in Brissy i could tell them the truth.

Sometimes i just want people to appreciate all this fakeness that i have to put on. It's really emotionally tiring. I just want to cry. But i'm afraid to tell people because i don't want them to judge this situation. I want to crawl into a corner, talk to myself (and God) and just cry my heart out.

Smiling has never been so painful.

My Wallpaper Is On Leave

As if waking up to a Monday morning is not bad enough, my period is here. Then i get into the office and see this on my computer screen. Great.

While I am fine with living in Malaysia, i don't love it that much. The IT peeps even locked the wallpaper so now i'll have to put up with this until the beginning of September. I hope it only lasts till September.

Ergh. Talk about starting every work day with an ugly view.

Lazy Magnet

I think i attract lazy people. Seriously, it's not even a joke.

I've about had it with people who assume i want to be the leader. Who assume that i want to plan things. Who assume that i want to be in control.

If they had the courtesy to ask, they would realise that once in a while, i like to be led.

And i'm so tired of a certain lazy woman who pretends she's my boss and makes me do her work. If it's your responsibility, it's yours not mine. Don't slack around and expect me to do your work for you. I answer to my boss, not you.

Do i give a hoot if you have other work to do? If it's not family/friend/health emergencies, then you bloody hell plan your own schedule and pick up your own slack. You don't see me giving you my share of work when i'm too busy with my personal life. I plan my time and i suggest you learn how to do it too.

You might be reading this and i'm sorry if you're offended but i'm not sorry for speaking my mind. Seriously, you need to do your part and stop handing them over to me. And don't even try to pretend to be hardworking cos it's disgusting.

Freedom My Foot!

Dear non-Catholic friends,

The Herald, which is a newspaper circulated among the country's 850,000 Catholics, has been using the word 'Allah' to describe God in its Malay-language edition since the newspaper first made its rounds.

Then of course, some mo' fo' decided to show-off his power and argued that 'Allah' is a word that should only be used by Muslims. Challenging this ridiculous proposal, the Catholic church took the case to court and lost the latest round of the battle yesterday. Somehow, i cannot say that i am surprised with the outcome.

Fortunately, there will be another hearing on July 7 and here's hoping to better results.

While i admit that i am not a very devoted Catholic, i find this issue downright appaling. Before you go off calling me an anti-Muslim, note that i do have Muslim friends and they are mighty fine. What i cannot stand is a bunch of bad apples who think that just because their religion makes up over 60 per cent of the country's, they have the right to put a leash around our necks and tell us what and what not to do.

What is wrong with allowing non-Muslims to use the world 'Allah'? Is it damaging their religion? Last i checked, 'Allah' is a universal word that means 'the supreme Being' and that, means God.

A part of me thinks, "If they want to have the word to themselves, then by all means, take it back for we don't need to use the word 'Allah' to keep our faith." But a bigger part of me reckons, "Why should we give in to their childish demand? We have every right to stand up for our rights!".

Freedom of speech? Ain't no such thing in Malaysia! And he even dares to talk about 1Malaysia? I'm utterly disgusted.

Don't Count Your Guccis

Was talking to a friend yesterday and her friend told her:

"If you don't own a pair of Jimmy Choo's shoes, a Coach bag and a Zang Toi party dress, then you haven't lived life."

By far, the stupidest thing i have ever heard. If the value of life is to be measured by material goods, then where do Jesus, Buddha, Allah and Lord Shiva stand? For aren't they the epitome of life yet don't have one inch of branded apparel on them?

When i was in college, i remember saying, "When i am rich, i want to buy one item from every branded store." Yeah, stupid i know.

But i guess that is what happens when you grow up in a world where the richer you are (or pretend to be), the cooler you are. Why do you think fake branded handbags sell like hot cakes?

Case in point, the Louis Vuitton monogram bag. It's hideous! I've always wondered if people seriously like the bag or do they like the gazillion of LV symbols plastered all over the bag for the world to see?

I really, really, REALLY hate it when people judge each other by the material goods or money they have. And i hate it when girls go, "Oh, i want to marry a rich man!" and i look down on girls who go for only rich men. Does being rich make you a better person?

I have a friend who used to live in a tiny shack at the back of a goddamn factory and you know what, she probably has more personality and sincerity than most of us. I was once introduced to two millionaires who decide to live life simple. Heck, they look like they survive on five dollars a day!

I once saw a rich and bratty classmate hit my friend after losing a game of galah panjang. I will never ever forget that scene. Who the fuck does she think she is? My uncle was once dumped by some bitch because he didn't have enough money. Someone i truly love was once looked down upon because he was poor. Of course, to these richer fools, it didn't matter that he worked night and day for every darn cent, no matter how little, that he has. He prolly knows more about life than a hundred Gucci-toting snobs put together.

Tell me, do you really think all rich people are better humans?

Life is not about the expensive items you have stacked in your closet. Heck, it doesn't even matter if you don't have enough money to own a closet! It is about all those times that you have cried, the times that you have fallen, the times that you have lost someone you love because life is a big ball of irony. You cannot truly live life without first experiencing the pain, the tears, the stress.

And that, is my definition of what life really is. Sleep on it.

A Kick In The Ass

Was in the car with my parents when we were caught in a mini-jam.

We came to a stop and before i could even say "Not another traffic jam", a strong force from behind shoved the car a few inches in front.

The car was hit.

By an idiotic motorcyclist who was oblivious to the jam in front and continued to zoom his way on the road. He was probably rushing home to masturbate to a poster of Siti Nurhaliza.

The right side of the rear bumper dropped and no thanks to that Mat Rempit, daddy now has to spend money to get it fixed.

And the asshole didn't even have the courtesy to stop and say sorry. He just sped off like nothing happened.

I hope the irresponsible fool will lose his motorcycle to a steamroller and for whatever amount dad has to pay for the damage, the fool will lose twice as much. No, that might be too kind. Make it thrice as much.

Of course, i did wish for him to die at first but now that the anger has somewhat subside, it sounds a wee bit cruel. Plus, karma will bite his ass someday. And bite it hard i hope.

One Heck Of A Ride

Yesterday's usual Saturday morning exercise session was so drama that it deserves to be a short film.

So crazy that it made me blank out, scared, angry, laughing all at once.

Ren, the story worked. Instead of having to face rock music, i only had to deal with mellow, Mraz-ish music.

One Man Dance

Family
Friends
Love

So many people fail to realise that it takes two to tango. Any relationship needs work. You don't go to someone when you only need that person. That's not how it works. You can't just come and leave as you want.

I hate it when people come to you when you have good things to share and leave you to drown in your misery when they have something better elsewhere. Who the fuck do they think they are? If you want a relationship to last, you bloody hell have to put in your share of the effort.
And yes, i am writing this with several people in mind.

Fools Aplenty

You know what i hate? Irresponsible pet owners.

There is a family living behind my house who keeps the dog in a shabby cage above the drain and NEVER lets it out.

I know a girl who bought a puppy merely because it was cute. What happens when it has grown out of its cute stage? Will it be ignored?

An asshole neighbour once brought a dog home to simply bark loan sharks away. Then it was constantly hit.

I have seen a man tying his dog to a pillar and despite the rain, left it there to drench, only to take it back many, many hours later.

Today, i witnessed yet another act of stupidity. Two puppies almost died because of the idiot-of-a-man living next door to me.

The two little ones were tied to two separate chains, close to one another. Somehow, this idiot did not have the common sense to realise that the chains may get tangled and cause both pups to choke.

And that was exactly what happened.

While chowing down my dinner, i heard the pups barking and shrieking for dear life. One would be deaf to not hear the pain in their cry for help. Fearing for the worst, i peeped next door and found the two caught in a deadly tangle that will no doubt, leave them dead in a couple of minutes if not saved. Heck, the chain was so badly entwined that the two pups had to stand on their two hind legs just to keep their heads from snapping off.

Worried that their asshole owner will not return home in time, i had to do something or live with the guilt. And so up i went, climbing over the wall and fence to get into the neighbour's home. The floor was covered in feces (the pups must have let themselves go while suffocating) and my fingers were shaking so badly when i tried to unhook the chain. I was so nervous and afraid that they will not last any longer but thankfully, God guided me and the chain finally came loose.

And with that moment, you could see the breath of relief in the pups as they stick their tongues out and gasp for air. I was so relieved yet cannot help but cry for their unfortunate fate of landing such a stupid owner.

Mom just checked on the pups and they both look okay. I just hope that the strangulation will not leave the pups with any pain or side effects. Dear Lord, may this be a nightmare that the pups will slowly learn to forget. And let there be no more pain for the two. Guide their owner to be a better animal-person so that he can give the little ones a better life.

Seriously, if you ever want to get a pet, do your fucking homework! People don't say this for no reason. Don't just get a pet because you want it to help you. You have to do your part for the pet too. A pet is for life. So be prepared or don't have one at all.

Piece Of Trash

Go on bitch, stick that knife deeper inside my wound. Go on and make me bleed harder.

Now i know why people don't go for lunch with you. It's because you are a pain in the ass. One minute with you is like spending an eternity in a room filled with nagging parents. Yes, you are that hard to be with.

If you are so good at poking fun at people's flaws, wait till you see yourself in the mirror and discover your own imperfectness.

I wish i can be like Oprah, say that you are what you are because of your own unsolved problems, and concentrate on your better qualities. But i am sorry to disappoint you because all i can see is a walking, talking slut.

When Tears Don't Come

For the past few days, i've been really moody. I feel like crying but i don't feel like crying, you get what i mean? It's like someone rounded up a ball of negativity and all things sorrow and just shoved it down my throat. And now it's stuck there.

I don't know what triggered this sudden emo-ness. Sure, certain things got on my nerves but I don't think anything major happened and i'm still far away from my monthly episodes. Since Friday, i've been thinking about a whole load of shit.

I feel used. I don't think i'm good enough. I hate how i look. I feel unloved. I'm scared.

I would love to express everything that's bottled inside of me but i cannot do that without hurting the people i care about. And that is something i don't want to do.

Yesterday was a little better. Spent the day shopping with dear Karen (Ren, you don't know how much that few hours of diversion helped me!) and then spent quality time with God at the church. Many of my non-Christian friends would think, "Ergh, mass - boring!" and i don't blame them. When i was young, i didn't really like going for mass too. But now, i appreciate that one hour. After mass, i always feel happier, lighter as though He opened my heart and took all the bad things away. I almost never wear eyeliner/mascara to mass because 8 out of 10 times i cry when i kneel down to speak to Him after communion.



Wouldn't it be fantastic if there's a heaven express, where i can catch a ride upstairs for a one-on-one with God and my deceased family members whenever i feel horrible? They would understand me and best of all, they would not be hurt by what i want to say. Then after unloading my emo-ness, i can count on them for a comforting pick-me-up hug or two.

Sigh. I sure hope this feeling doesn't decide to stick around any longer. I hate it. I keep having to fight it and tell myself that things are not that bad. And i'm crossing my fingers and praying that things really aren't that bad...

Unwelcomed Pest

Can you remember the scene in Mr. Bean where his picnic gets interrupted by a fly that refuses to leave him in peace?

Have you experienced a moment when an insect keeps flying near you and despite efforts to fan it away, it keeps coming back?

If you say yes, then you know exactly how i feel.

Some time ago, a "fly" that shall remain unnamed flew into my life and i don't like its presence one bit. Unlucky for me, this pest is one that gives out the annoying buzzing sound. It is also the kind that no matter how hard you try to zap it with the electric racquet-like mosquito killer, it always escapes only to return later to torment you.


Picture courtesy of flickr

Honestly, i don't think anyone would want to be around this pain in the ass. Okay, maybe nobody is that bad.

I guess i do have to thank this fly for making an improvement in me - it taught me how to suppress my anger in public (warning: an angry Lea is not a pretty sight to behold). But of course, that also means that my dear friends and family would have to put up with all my bitching later on.

An Eye Sore

It was rush hour. The train was packed. Then in came an elderly man and because all the seats were occupied, there was nothing he could do but to stand. As he held on to the pole, the much younger folks occupying the seats in front of him either 'slept' or looked elsewhere.

It was fucking disgusting.

Have they no compassion or respect for the elderly? Would they die if they offered their seat to a person who needed it more?

Then suddenly, a woman sitting nearby disembarked and i thought, 'Hey, maybe the guy standing in front of the vacant seat will offer it to the old man!'. And offered he did. But to another man on his left. One who didn't need the seat. I don't know if the guy was being ignorant or if he was simply racist. But i do know that he's one fucking a-hole.

Still standing quietly on the guy's right, all that the old man could do was wait for another vacant seat. And that is if none of the younger jerks beat him to it.

Finally, a man stood and gave up his seat to the patient old man. Ah, all hope's not lost. At least there is still a tiny glimpse of kindness in this world.

Slow & Not Steady

You would think that since it's a large well-off corporation, their Internet access would at least be up to par but oh no, almost everyday i hear myself grumbling at the screen when the 'Page Cannot Be Displayed' message appears in front of my eyes. Cannot be displayed my foot. After what seems like ten thousand clicks on the refresh button, the page finally loads.

And to think that i actually thought my dial-up connection back home is bad...