When Tears Don't Come

For the past few days, i've been really moody. I feel like crying but i don't feel like crying, you get what i mean? It's like someone rounded up a ball of negativity and all things sorrow and just shoved it down my throat. And now it's stuck there.

I don't know what triggered this sudden emo-ness. Sure, certain things got on my nerves but I don't think anything major happened and i'm still far away from my monthly episodes. Since Friday, i've been thinking about a whole load of shit.

I feel used. I don't think i'm good enough. I hate how i look. I feel unloved. I'm scared.

I would love to express everything that's bottled inside of me but i cannot do that without hurting the people i care about. And that is something i don't want to do.

Yesterday was a little better. Spent the day shopping with dear Karen (Ren, you don't know how much that few hours of diversion helped me!) and then spent quality time with God at the church. Many of my non-Christian friends would think, "Ergh, mass - boring!" and i don't blame them. When i was young, i didn't really like going for mass too. But now, i appreciate that one hour. After mass, i always feel happier, lighter as though He opened my heart and took all the bad things away. I almost never wear eyeliner/mascara to mass because 8 out of 10 times i cry when i kneel down to speak to Him after communion.



Wouldn't it be fantastic if there's a heaven express, where i can catch a ride upstairs for a one-on-one with God and my deceased family members whenever i feel horrible? They would understand me and best of all, they would not be hurt by what i want to say. Then after unloading my emo-ness, i can count on them for a comforting pick-me-up hug or two.

Sigh. I sure hope this feeling doesn't decide to stick around any longer. I hate it. I keep having to fight it and tell myself that things are not that bad. And i'm crossing my fingers and praying that things really aren't that bad...